No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
