you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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