my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I am available for nakedness
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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