I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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