the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
