i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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