You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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