So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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