I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize