i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
