why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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