Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
True strength comes from lack of pants
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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