Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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