He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
