So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
