well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
