i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
