Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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