i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
We smell like vodka and hangover
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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