just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
