Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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