last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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