i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
