so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
