Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
