You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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