Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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