If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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