my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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