ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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