i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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