I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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