You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
