dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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