I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
