That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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