She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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