Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
