I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
