I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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