Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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