all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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