also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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