Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
