We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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