I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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