i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
