you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
