It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
