One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
