The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
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