Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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