Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
