I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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