Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
