Church boner. Awkwardddd
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
