If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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