just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
