fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
