dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
