On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
